corianne ¤

invited to prom with jared , the ( like literal ) love of my life .

yet currently i am dating ( officially ! ) kyle . but i will go to prom with jared , i must .

sickening . i don't even know if i like kyle , but i know i do . omg .

i need to get away from civilization for a while . a long time . LONG time . i need to be thin , like really thin . and grades .

i need to be perfect by myself , and have everyone else just enrich my life . lovely .

i'm more depressed than ever , and i can't even begin to explain it . he asked me out & i don't even know how i feel .. i think i like him but i wish i was alone now . it's so bad that i'm not even getting dressed up to go outiside of my house . i need to be thin as well .. it's sickening . i don't exercise , je mange beaucoup .. i need weight loss . so whatever , maybe it is control .. i don't care .. i need it . need . midterms next week & i think we're going to pittsburgh tonight - wonderful . i'm so tireddd ! so i'm thinking 1200 - 1500 every day , but only more if i work out . i don't know .. i don't want to kill my metabolism .. but i think that needs like weeks for it to be effected ? god knows . i hate this . i want long term weight loss , but i need instant .. maybe for a week hardcore then the longterm . sure ? work time - fuck . bye .

um , okay so i'm not fasting .

but 93 - 96 is the goal of 2006 . and 110 february 4 .. need motivation and to lose weight , grosss .

meanwhile penn state is in its triple overtime & i still have to shower ? wow , late nights rest of the week .

wed - study hardcore
thurs - work & studyy
fri - movies with my love erinnn
sat - work & hanging out with kyle

i want to take it slowlyyy and then we'll see .

once , in 9th grade , i didn't eat for 5 days .
this week , i'm going to beat that .

nothing else matters ever . 96 lbs for starters .. and then thinnessssss ♥

mmmmm .. better than any food .

february 4 = winter gala .. 5 ish weeks

currently : 117
goal = 107 ? sounds good to me ..

10 lbs for gala ! yayy i can do it ! at most 110 !!

so i'm fat and i hate my little ' group ' of friends .. i have my few and i don't even fucking care any more . i need to be thin , that's all that matters - as my mom makes me eat lunch . then i'm working out .. 96 goal ! that's all that counts !!!!!!!

last night i watched like .2 seconds of the dissociatives concert on comcast ondemand .. beautiful . i want to own it .. ♥

um so actually i am really lonely ? i've been really happy as of late , but it's because i'm just with myself . i need to be happy alone , cos i sure as hell have no one . fuck people pretty much .. i need myself and anorexia . today i was called fat . true . 119 and 5'2.5 '' . really , just fuck . anyways , i hate people , but i'll continue with this and everything and hopefully life will be happy with a new group of friends in college and forget everyone right now . really .

97 . ultimate .

my soul is black
i feel no regret
i cannot comprehend the damage i've caused
i ignore the effects
i can't handle the reality
but you're too clingy
move on .

college kids coming home for the holidays are my favourite thing , absolutely . along with shopping , boyssss , wrapping presents , and a certain sara yingling . ♥ .. also , phone calls & movies .. boys ( again ) , and definetly not fathers who ground you for NO reason except the fact that they are gayyyyy .. but am in admiration of alanis' cover of lets do it (lets fall in love) ..

christmas time .. buying gifts , making cards , calling boys & hooooooking upppp ! aiii ! ♥ buddyyyyy .. mmm . hehe . love it . love love love it !

♥ " being hot " hahhh . most importantly : silverchair are rehearsing .

the most refined ladybugs do it ,
when a gentleman calls

i actually don't like anyone - just the idea of a sweet ( parfait ) boy , but really i love hot boys & kissessss . but really i'm loving the idea of no food for 7 days = weight loss of at leastttt 7 lbs , making me 115 .. sweet . 110 for christmas most definetly ! ♥

living is using your brain and emotions equally . anorexia is functioning only by that voice inside your head . that voice i've been trying to ignore for so long , because i know that in the end my plans won't work and i'll just be in worse shape . it's better to be anorexic than unsure of what the hell to do . losing weight , would be the first ( and best ) step .

good night last night . went to sara's after school .. went shopping . got 4 shirts & a cute pair of earringssss .. went to the ice hockey game .. wendys .. then her house ( ♥ dave schmittenburg ! ) .. wendys with ♥ tyler sanderson omggg .. then cremo's ( johnny golden's in love with me ? haha ) .. interesting , lol . it was fun though .. definetly in love with dave & tyler .. ahh . hahah . worked today and spending tonight at home .. silverchair confirmed a new album ! 2007 ! ! it's insane how excited i am .. really . omg ! i'll be 18 so i'm going to a show no matter what ! & alanis album then too ! kathlyn told her parents the truth so i don't think that's bad , and i'm friends with that whole group again .. so that's all good . i'm happy . i ♥ sara so much .. i could see us hanging out like all of the time .. we're really alike . and kathlyn gets so gay , lol . whateverrr , haha .anyways .. school's difficult , so we'll see .. i need to work really hard . work is decent , i should be getting my 90 day raise soon (!!) so that'll be nice .. working a ton next week = money ! .. i want to see harry potter too ! and just friends ! omg definetly ! ♥ ryan reynolds .. i tried to stay up to watch him on conan but woke up for alanis ( just in time ) , haha . bought another shirt today .. le tigre .. and tomorrow mom & i are going shopping .. getting my ears pierced next weekend too .. need to exercise x 200 million ( running tomorrow but doing in house toning exercises today ) .. 122 this morning , all naturally .. i can definetly be like 115 for like november 29 ! omg that'd be amazingggg .. and i don't like matt .. i just like boys & hooking up & until i find someone i'm like in love with .. just no .

whew ... it's all good . TONS of homework to do so i'm staying home .. ♥

still really unmotivated . i need a kick in the ass . walking 3 miles today . no running . that's tomorrow .

i need to starve for a while , to get into it all . ♥

i'm actually really lonely . i have about zero friends , and i'm always unincluded . i'm unmotivated , and the only thing that scares me about everything is the fact that i don't care . i hate people ; i don't want to be in . i can at least finally become emaciated - no one to get in the way , right ?

yet it bothers me so much that no one calls , ims , anything . i just want one person . to be with me completely ?

(1.) all of her '' true friends '' came over for lunch today - i wasn't invited . (2.) other '' best friend '' went to pittsburgh for the weekend , she said ' oh yea cya ' .. (3.) " best friend ever " insults me daily & doesn't talk to me when with her posse , (4.) field hockey girls are all going to messiah tomorrow to play ( why wasn't i invited ? ) & hang out ..

uninvited on all accounts . i really am depressed . exactly what i never wanted to happen has occured . no one likes me . i have no friends .. literally . i'm good for nothing . it's times like these i could seriously commit suicide if i didn't have hope . that's the difference between me and my sister .. i won't give up . if they don't want me then i don't need them ... i'll become perfect without them all & i'll survive until college where i'll meet real people who like me and i can be happy with . i hope . or i'll go through life alone .. whatever works .

it's not even like i'm good at anything i do now . so it's pretty much hopeless , only i don't want it to be .. so i'll give them up before they can push me aside .

at least i'll become thin . i'm hoping that sara & i grow closer .

& i have a ton of homework so that absolutely sucks .

i'm kind of hoping for something dramatic to happen to me so that i can see if people do care .. i've always wondered if anyone would come to my funeral .

* the music doesn't help .

i am the absolute biggest time waster ever - and it has got to stop . it ends now .

also , i am going hardcore for 2 weeks . that's 2 weeks of 500 calories a day with beaucoup de l'exercise . and i will see results . really .

posting photos tomorrow .. ♥

to do:

? ask becky about possible car-pooling
? set up consultation @ momentum ( & join ? )
? find new day to add to work schedule ( thursday ? )
? call around for guitar lessons
? practice driving & behind the wheel
? license ! !

so it`s my first entry . i need a fresh start , and we have dsl so now i can upload whenever , etc . c`est parfait!

i`ve been developing really bad habits .. like eating a ton and then not exercising ? field hockey has been over for a week and i've only gone running once . that has got to end . i need to lose at least 13 lbs asap . so i`m thinking about going hardcore to just drop some pounds , and then once i know i can , i`ll take it extra slow ..

school is decent ; i have so much work to do this year - especially in english !

i`m gonna go attempt some homework now && stuff .. i`ll write more again later ♥